A Mother Forever Read online

  At the age of twenty, Ruby had been pleased to be with child. Many girls her age had already been married a while. She’d almost thought herself on the shelf, destined to be a spinster living with her mother for the rest of her days. Granted, she had a real fondness for Eddie – otherwise, she had no idea what she would have done. Her two sisters had backed their mother. Both of them had found themselves good husbands, and in their eyes a younger sister having a child out of wedlock would blacken the family name. Only weeks after the wedding, though, Ruby had realized that Eddie’s promises were not to be believed. What was that saying about promises and piecrusts, she thought to herself? Long before their son arrived, they were living in one room in a building that should have been pulled down years earlier, instead of in a little house with a garden where she could grow roses, as he’d promised. Ruby had no idea about gardening, but on a Sunday school trip into the country she’d spotted such a house and had mentioned it to Eddie in the days leading up to their wedding. She’d kept holding on to her dream as they had moved from one awful home to another. Along the way, Milly had joined them; she hardly had the means to support herself and her meagre earnings diverted to Eddie’s pocket to pay for her keep.

  ‘Watch it!’ Stella shouted, grabbing Ruby’s arm and pulling her back onto the pavement and away from an approaching tram. ‘Blimey, love, we didn’t get you over your illness just to have you perish under one of these new-fangled tramcars. You was in another world there for a while.’

  Ruby was shaking from the shock, but stopped to look at Stella. ‘I wasn’t ill. I was grieving for my Sarah,’ she said, before bursting into tears.

  ‘Oh my, you are in a state. I’m sorry if my words offended you. Look, there’s a cafe just here. Much better than those posh tearooms in Pier Road. Let me get you sat down with a hot drink and we can have a chat,’ Stella said, steering her into the busy establishment, where they found an empty table.

  Ruby wiped her eyes on the cuff of her faded wool coat and tried to pull herself together. ‘Sorry. I don’t know what came over me,’ she said as she sat down on a small wooden chair in the corner of the room. Stella removed a used white plate and mug from the table and placed them onto the high counter.

  ‘Two teas and a couple of those, when you’re ready, Marge,’ she said, indicating a pile of small meat pies stacked under a glass dome.

  Marge, a generously built woman swathed in a clean cotton apron, nodded in acknowledgement while frantically buttering bread.

  ‘I’ll be with you in two ticks, love. I’m run off me feet today, what with being on me own. My Sid’s got another of his chests.’

  Stella made a sympathetic noise and turned away from the counter to sit down with Ruby, who had done her best to compose herself. She reached out and covered Ruby’s hand with her own. ‘You know, it is all right to be angry. I know we’ve not known each other long but because of what happened I feel we’re already close friends. Why, I look on you as the daughter I never had . . .’ She stopped speaking mid-sentence as a stricken look crossed Ruby’s pale face. ‘I’m sorry – I must be more careful what I say,’ she added, as Ruby reached into her pocket for a square of rag on which to wipe her eyes.

  ‘No – I’ve got to learn not to get so upset. You are the only one I can talk to about . . . about Sarah. Please, you mustn’t ever think you have upset me. I’ll do my best not to get so tearful. I just wish I knew what they’d done with her. Does that sound wrong?’

  ‘No, my love. You have a right to know. When you took poorly and we could see this baby wasn’t coming as it should have done, we sent for Doctor Hind, and he came along with Nurse Rose. I was sent from the room, and your mum stayed with you for a while – until it got too much for her, and she left in a hurry. She mumbled that it was all over, so I went back into the room to be with you.’

  Ruby searched Stella’s face and could only see sympathy and concern. ‘Did you see her . . .? It’s just that Mum said it wasn’t pleasant, and she wouldn’t have had a good life if she’d survived. I can’t get that thought out of my mind.’ She bit her lip, fighting the tears that threatened to return.

  Stella shook her head in disgust. Why would a mother say such things to a daughter who had just lost a child? ‘I did see her, and she had the most beautiful hair, just like your George’s. Very fine, but you could see there would be curls.’

  Ruby sighed. ‘I’m so pleased. Mum must have been wrong, then?’

  Stella paused for a moment. She didn’t want to base their new friendship on lies, but all the same, would never say what she’d really witnessed. ‘Let’s just say Milly was probably distraught at losing a grandchild. It was hard for everyone present. Why, even Doctor Hind had a tear in his eye.’

  Ruby felt a weight of relief flood over her. ‘I imagined they bundled her away with no respect for what might have been . . . Where is she, Stella? I really thought I could have had a funeral for her.’

  They stopped speaking as Marge put two mugs of tea on the table. Both mugs were held in one of her chubby hands, while in the other were two pies on a plate. ‘Pay me when you’re ready to leave,’ she said, seeing that the younger woman with Stella seemed upset. ‘I don’t think we’ve met before, love. I’m Marge Dobkins. Me and the old fella run this place. Are you visiting the town?’

  ‘This is Mrs Caselton. She’s not long moved in across the road from me, Marge,’ Stella said, smiling at the larger woman.

  ‘How do you do, Mrs Caselton?’ Marge wiped her hands on her apron before offering one to Ruby.

  Ruby took her hand and winced as it was pumped up and down in a vice-like grip. ‘Please, you must call me Ruby. You have a very nice place here, Marge.’

  ‘It keeps me busy and the old man out of trouble,’ Marge said, puffing herself up with pride. ‘If I do say so myself, my meat puddings and mutton pies are the best in all the town. People leave here satisfied and without cause for complaint. I just wish I had some more help around the place. I get home every night exhausted. Oh well, mustn’t complain,’ she said as someone called to her to be served. ‘Enjoy your tea, and welcome to Erith.’

  ‘She seems very nice,’ Ruby said as she sipped the scalding hot amber liquid from the large mug.

  ‘Salt of the earth,’ Stella said, noting what lovely manners Ruby had. ‘Now, where were we?’

  ‘I wondered what they’d done with my daughter,’ Ruby said, staring into her mug. ‘Once I know, I’ll feel at peace. I’ve had such dreams about her. She’s been calling for me and crying out. I woke up once and thought I could hear her.’

  Stella thought it was more likely to be Mrs Henderson from number seventeen’s old moggy out on the tiles, but did not say so. ‘Grief can do strange things to us,’ she said, not wanting to tell any more of what she knew.

  Ruby became frustrated, clenching her hands together until her knuckles turned white, but dared not scream and shout at Stella even though she wanted nothing more than to demand to know what had happened to her baby. ‘Please, Stella, I really do want to know where she is, even if it is not pleasant,’ she implored.

  ‘Pleasant? Goodness me, as if I’d let anything awful happen to an innocent baby. They just take them away, Ruby. The ones that never wake up are simply taken away.’

  ‘Is that what happened to your baby boy?’ Ruby asked softly, now she had started to get somewhere.

  ‘No, my Stanley has a grave up at Saint Paulinus churchyard. You see, he took a breath and he cried. He was so poorly and passed away before the day was out. However, I’ll never forget my first baby . . .’

  It was Ruby’s turn to reach across the marble-topped table and take Stella’s hand. ‘I’m sorry to have asked. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you.’

  Stella waved away the apology. ‘I’ve had long enough to accept what happened. I have my faith,’ she said, reaching for a small silver cross that hung on a chain at her throat. ‘I’ll meet him again one day.’

  Ruby nodded in agreement. Although she w
asn’t one for religion, she knew it was of help to some people. ‘It must be a comfort to you. But what about my Sarah, where is she?’

  Stella sighed. She knew that Ruby would never let up asking her. She’d be the same if it were her little one that hadn’t survived. ‘I know the nurse who was attending with Doctor Hind took her away. She told me it’s what they do,’ she said, as she saw a distressed look cross Ruby’s face. ‘Perhaps we could pay the doctor a visit and ask him? Would that help?’

  ‘Oh please, it would help so much. When can we go and ask him?’

  ‘Let’s finish up here, then we can pop in and see him. He is no doubt working in the cottage hospital – he’s a big supporter of our hospital,’ she added proudly, noticing Ruby’s quizzical look.

  ‘Is that the large house we walked past just now – the one with the trees and wooden fence? I spotted a nurse at the door.’

  ‘That’s the place. Now, come on, tuck in to that pie. We need to get some meat back on your bones. There’s hardly anything of you.’

  Ruby could have screamed: after standing for ages in the reception room of the cottage hospital, they were told the doctor was with a poorly patient and it would be best for them to return another time.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ the nurse said, seeing Ruby’s disappointment. ‘Are you ill? I may be able to help.’

  ‘We just wanted to ask him something,’ Stella said, taking Ruby’s arm to lead her towards the door.

  Ruby pulled away, not wishing to leave the building that might hold the secret of what had happened to her daughter. ‘Please, I just want to know what Doctor Hind did with my baby after she was stillborn. Can someone help me?’ she begged, as her tears started to fall unchecked.

  The nurse felt a surge of sympathy as she looked at the distraught young woman in front of her. There was nothing of her, and she looked younger than her own daughter, who had not long given birth to a bouncing baby boy. ‘Were you admitted to this hospital?’

  Ruby shook her head, unable to speak. Was it possible the nurse would help her? There again, she wouldn’t know anything about Sarah, as she had been born at Stella’s house. As she took a shuddering breath and opened her mouth to speak, Stella stepped forward.

  ‘Mrs Caselton’s baby daughter was born in my front bedroom just around the corner in Alexandra Road. Doctor Hind was in attendance, due to her being so poorly. The child did not survive and was taken away. We just wondered . . .’

  All three women fell silent, Ruby and Stella hoping against hope that the nurse would be able to give them some information.

  The nurse wondered whether she would get into trouble if she imparted what she knew. She glanced over her shoulder towards the double doors leading into the small hospital, aware that at any time a colleague or superior might come through them and catch her saying something she shouldn’t. She drew them to one side, where there was a wooden bench. ‘Would you like to sit down?’

  ‘No, thank you,’ Ruby answered, keen to know why the woman had not led them straight to the front door. Stella tugged Ruby’s sleeve to make her do as requested, and they both sat down.

  ‘Do you know something?’ Stella urged, noticing for the first time the stray grey hairs escaping from beneath the elaborate white starched cap, as well as the rising colour of the nurse’s cheeks and trembling hands. ‘We don’t want you to get into trouble. Perhaps it would be best if we just left?’

  Ruby wanted to scream again. She closed her eyes and quickly prayed that the nurse, if she knew something, would not change her mind about sharing what she had to say.

  ‘I’ll have to be quick,’ the woman said, as two nurses entered through the front door and hurried into the hospital through the double doors. The three women jumped as the doors swung open, with Stella putting her hand to her chest to still her beating heart. It felt as though it was hammering nineteen to the dozen.

  ‘In cases where the child fails to waken . . . I know that Doctor Hind arranges for the body to be laid to rest.’

  ‘My daughter has a grave?’ Ruby asked, as emotion stirred deep inside. ‘I feared the worst,’ she added as the other two women hushed her high-pitched tone in case it alerted the almoner, whose office door was close to a wide staircase next to the double doors.

  ‘Sshh,’ the nurse hissed. ‘You must remain quiet or I’ll have to ask you to leave.’

  Both women apologized and Stella took Ruby’s hand, ready to give it a hard squeeze if her young neighbour became over-excited again. ‘Where does he send the children?’ she asked. ‘I assume they go to an undertaker?’

  ‘Yes. I only know this as I have a cousin who works for the undertaker. Both Doctor Hind and the undertaker are benefactors of this hospital and wish to do what they can for the people of Erith. However, it may be that your child does not have a marked grave. I know little more than that,’ she said, as Ruby gave a quizzical look.

  ‘May we speak to your cousin?’

  The nurse looked alarmed. ‘No, I dare not give you his name, as then he would know I’d broken his confidence.’

  ‘Then please, can you at least tell us which funeral director would have laid Sarah to rest?’ Stella begged.

  ‘I named my child Sarah,’ Ruby explained.

  ‘Why, that’s my name also,’ the nurse said, as if it had helped her make up her mind. ‘All I will tell you is that the business where you may find all you wish to know is in the high street,’ she added, before wishing them luck and scurrying away just as the almoner came from her office, her black gown rustling as she moved.

  ‘May I help you, ladies?’ she enquired, her dark, hooded eyes peering at Stella and Ruby.

  Stella pulled Ruby to her feet and gave a polite nod. ‘We came to see Doctor Hind, but he is busy. Thank you for your interest,’ she said, as the pair hurried away.

  ‘We are no closer to knowing where Sarah was taken,’ Ruby sighed.

  ‘But we are. There are only two undertakers in the town, and just one in the high street. Follow me,’ Stella said, weaving her way through the busy shoppers.

  Ruby found it hard to catch up. For one thing, she wasn’t feeling very fit: it was the first time she’d left home since being so poorly. Secondly, her ill-fitting shoes were giving her grief. She’d packed the insoles with newspaper due to them leaking in wet weather, and she could feel her toes becoming sore from the chafing. She was relieved when Stella halted in front of a sombre-looking establishment, the window draped in black crepe sashes with the sign above in gold lettering declaring the business to be Michael Hind, Funeral Director.

  ‘He has the same name as the doctor,’ Stella remarked, trying to read the letters while jumping aside to avoid a woman pushing a perambulator. She opened the door and walked in. Ruby followed close behind, a little unsure of what to expect, as she’d never been in such a place before. She looked around warily. A man in a sombre black suit and a wing-collared shirt rose to his feet from behind a highly polished desk. Nodding respectfully while placing his hands together, which Ruby thought made him look rather pious, he gave a thin-lipped smile.

  ‘How can I help you?’ he said, giving Ruby a look that suggested she was unworthy of stepping over the threshold of his establishment.

  ‘We’ve come to make an enquiry about a baby that may have been buried by your company in the past three weeks. It was taken from my house in Alexandra Road by Doctor Hind. My name is Mrs Stella Green.’

  The man flinched at the mention of Doctor Hind’s name. ‘You would need to speak to my employer. I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to give out confidential information,’ he said as he sat down, dismissing Stella’s question.

  ‘Please,’ Ruby begged, ‘can’t you at least tell us if you help the stillborn babies find a final resting place? Is there a special grave for them?’

  The man coughed and ran a finger round his stiff collar. ‘If my employer is party to such charitable concerns, it is none of my business. I suggest you speak to him.’

  Ruby f
elt a frisson of excitement course through her veins. The man hadn’t dismissed her question, so there was hope that indeed they had come to the right place.

  ‘When will Mr Hind return to his office?’ Stella asked.

  ‘He is away on business for the rest of this week. I suggest you put any questions you might have in writing. He will deal with it upon his return. Now, if you will excuse me.’ He opened a leather-bound ledger on his desk and picked up his fountain pen.

  Stella nudged Ruby’s arm, and they stepped out onto the street.

  ‘I’m not one for writing letters. Surely if that man knew about Sarah, he could tell us?’

  Stella shook her head. ‘He’s doing his job, and no doubt has been given his orders. But there was something in the way he acted when we explained why we were there . . . It was as if he knew what had happened to Sarah, but didn’t wish to say – or did not approve. There must be another way to find out.’ She looked at an alleyway that ran alongside the shop. ‘Follow me,’ she said over her shoulder as she stepped briskly towards it.

  Ruby shivered as she followed closely behind her new friend. ‘Where are we going?’ She did her best to hold up the skirt of her coat and dress so they wouldn’t drag on the muddy ground beneath her feet. With August being so unseasonably wet, and the close walls of the buildings each side of them blocking out what sun there was, the alleyway gave off an atmosphere of wintry gloom.